A Rant: A Secret Love of Boston History and Sarah Palin Made Me Do It

I didn’t think that I was going to have time to squeeze out a Garling File today but here I am.

Now, I had once made the resolution within my soul that I would ignore Sarah Palin. I don’t mind that she stands for the right to use machine guns while hunting or that she thinks of foreign policy like neighbors keeping sturdy fences. I don’t mind that she opposes stem cell research while cradling her retarded son or that she thinks the world popped out of God’s ass four thousand years ago. I don’t mind that she has basically cultivated a personality that subsides on catch phrases no longer than eight words and wouldn’t critically think about the implications of a social or economic issue any deeper than how best they could manipulate the audiences of Fox News into believing that whatever the Democrats say about the solution surely means that we’re all damned to Auschwitz or Hoovertowns.

This is a free country and the beauty is that you’re entitled to your opinion.

But Sarah Palin, as you did in your interview yesterday, don’t disrespect Boston, or it’s history.

I’ll disregard the fact that your tone, when discussing Paul Revere’s ride, the flashpoint that began the United States of America, sounds an awful lot like a drunk trophy wife regaling her husband’s bedroom disasters. I’ll even disregard that your first instinct was to turn the moment America’s water broke into an arms issue, a second amendment jab, that the British “couldn’t take our guns” and that we’d be “secure” and “free.” I’ll even disregard that you make it sound like Paul Revere warned the British; I get what your brain was trying to accomplish.

But Sarah Palin, Paul Revere didn’t ring bells, he hung lanterns.

That’s part of the beauty of the poem and the prideful history of American ingenuity; the Mechanics had devised this intelligence and communication system well ahead of time. You may have been confused because he hung lanterns in bell towers. But if we think about this logically, Sarah, ringing church bells in the middle of the night at an off hour probably would have alerted the encroaching British troops that something was up. I know you’re a big student of history, with all your talk about violating the constitution, but there is a difference, Sarah.

Yet perhaps this silly little interview—that of course implicates that the mainstream media is picking on you, not that you’re simply a moron and unfit to lead the most powerful country in the world—is a perfect little microcosm. Perhaps, that’s the beauty of the way you roll, Sarah: nuance is unimportant, the details don’t matter. As long as we can say it to the public in under a dozen words, we’re golden.

I get that the flub was not like thinking Abraham Lincoln was a Founding Father, but the job of President makes it your job to note the finer points, to just to dig a litttttttle deeper.

Because if we’re deciding whether we should default on our national debt, you’ll need to dig a litttttttle deeper than what cheer makes the Tea Party go wild. If we’re deciding whether we’re going to continue with our farm and oil subsidy programs and we need to formulate a plan for a logical transition, you’ll have to dig a littttttle deeper than a wink and thumbs up. If we’re going to intervene in a violent Middle Eastern nation and we need to figure out these crazy words, “How” and “Why,” you’ll need to dig a litttttle deeper than monosyllabic sentences. And you’ll need to do all that in higher pressure situations than a local reporter interviewing you in a cafeteria.

So head down Route 2 to the end of Paul Revere’s ride and enjoy Concord. I love it there. Get a slice of pizza at Sorrento’s and have a walk around Walden Pond.

Then hop on your tour bus and get the hell out of town, and out of our face.

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One Response to A Rant: A Secret Love of Boston History and Sarah Palin Made Me Do It

  1. Bob Jones says:

    Caleb, evidently Sarah tripped your wire with her latest scripted malapropism, and it’s clear she’s made you forget your promise to yourself. Don’t you see, she won this round. The bells comment was cynically dropped into the talking points the evening before by her handlers for the New York Times or the Boston Globe to pick up on, so they’ll have something to say about her that day. Another Internet hit with the current date on it. She just got paid, dude. If the thinking press tries to ridicule her for getting Massachusetts wrong, then Ignorant America just gets to chant for a news cycle or two about how Sarah isn’t afraid to take on the Kennedy liberals. Headlines beget headlines.

    Try not to let her make you drop your guard the next time she “misses the point” again. It will probably be tomorrow.

    We don’t have to like or admire her for exploiting the gargantuan earning opportunity for fanning Ignorant America’s fear flames. But we should at least acknowledge that she’s found a big fat ATM that will never run out of cash. Ultimately what bothers about S.P. is her lack of a conscience. But don’t call her dumb.

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